Is Your Spouse Really Getting on Your Nerves?

Will you become more annoyed with your spouse over time? Comedians have been cracking jokes about their irritating spouses for years, but according to the LiveScience story featured on Yahoo’s front page, there’s actually ‘proof’ that you will become more irritated with your significant other over the course of your life time.

The article gives a number of reasons why this happens, but they leave out one very important factor—the internal narrative. The internal narrative is our perception of the world around us, how we rationalize the interconnecting relationship between events and emotions that we experience everyday.

Let’s imagine, for a moment, a woman who is punctual, organized, and maintains a consistent routine. One day, at the coffee shop, a handsome, confident man introduces himself.

Let’s also imagine that they meet in the middle of winter and the weather is cold and dreary and that the woman is a little frustrated with her stressful job. One evening, during dinner, the man smiles broadly and says, “Why don’t we go to the Bahamas? A little three day vacation; relax on the warm beach, order breakfast in bed—just you and me.”

The woman admits this sounds nice, but when? “Tomorrow,” he suggests. She’s shocked. There’s so much for her to do at work and so many travel arrangements to make. He convinces her he can handle the arrangements and that she will be much more productive when she returns, relaxed and refreshed. She throws caution to the wind and agrees.

Excited about her vacation and the prospect of spending time with such a spontaneous man, she calls her girlfriends while packing. They express their envy and admiration of the handsome suitor, and the woman feels lucky to have found such a great guy.

The woman has created an internal narration in which the man plays the hero of a romantic adventure. This idea is reinforced by her retelling of this narration to others who agree (based on the details she has provided).

When we fall in love, we abstract the good from the beginning knowledge about the other person. We focus on positive traits. We see similarities and compatibilities with our partners—or if we notice differences, we view them as complimentary. As the relationship matures, our sense of the other adjusts to the reality: along with the characteristics we admire, our beloved (alas) has some flaws. We are forced to acknowledge that there are no angels—only fallen angels. (Vaughan 2

Of course, later in the relationship, we are often annoyed by the very traits we once found so charming. After years of marriage, the handsome man’s “spontaneous” nature may be reinterpreted as immaturity or irresponsibility. Why?—because we begin to rewrite the internal narration. Surely the handsome man has always left the toilet seat up, but as time goes on it becomes a symbol of disrespect or inconsideration.

In a healthy relationship, both individuals continually realign these internal narrations through open communication. Without this process the relationship can slip into a downward spiral:

As relationships become troubled, our focus shifts again, this time to negative qualities. We redefine our partners and relate to them in terms of their objectionable traits. We see more differences than similarities—or regard the differences now as troublesome and unattractive. Out of our increasing unhappiness, we start to dwell on and even exaggerate our partner’s flaws. (Vaughan 2

Left unchecked, these negative definitions can compound until the relationship is viewed as unsaveable and we become the initiators of our own ‘uncoupling.’

Not only do initiators redefine their partners in negative terms, but they also reconstruct the history of the relationship, reordering their reminiscences into negative chronology of events. The good times are forgotten or explained away . . . [while] The bad times form the salient memories. (Vaughan 29)

Yes, the LiveScience article illustrates that most individuals will find their spouse more annoying over time, but we have to admit it is a reality we create for ourselves.

Work Cited

Vaughan, Diane. Uncoupling: Turningpoints in Intimate Relationships. Vintage Books: New York. 1990